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How Many Vehicles You Can Own / Operate In GTA Online (As Of Nov. 2019)

Hey everyone, I've thought about this number for a while, and I did all the math, and I thought I'd share this with you all.
Here is the maximum amount of vehicles (Cars, Bikes, Special Vehicles, Yacht, Pegasus Vehicles, ETC) you can currently own and/or operate in GTA Online, as of Nov. 2019 (As of The Diamond Casino & Resort Update)
CARS (NORMAL) — TOTAL: 213
BIKES — TOTAL: 10
CARS (SPECIAL VEHICLES) — TOTAL: 24
AIRCRAFT — TOTAL: 20
TRANSPORT VEHICLE STORAGE — TOTAL: 2
YACHT — TOTAL: 8
PEGASUS VEHICLES — TOTAL: 131

GRAND TOTAL: 409 VEHICLES

Please feel free to comment below anything I missed or forgot, or if I didn't add correctly, or if you can't store a vehicle in any of these spaces.
*If people want, I can see how much money it costs to fill every available slot (not including Pegasus Vehicles) with the most expensive vehicle allowed in the given slot. For the Aircraft Hangar, I wouldn't use duplicates, I would take the top 20 most expensive aircraft. This calculation would also include the cost of all properties customized to the maximum.*
Thank you for your time,
_P1ZZA_
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The James Bond Franchise Wrap Up

Greetings all! Many thanks to the countless people who contributed to 10 months of fantastic discussions about one of the most iconic (and one of my favorite) film franchises of all time. This is just a little recap/debrief/wrap up article where I'd love to get everyone's thoughts on the series as a whole. Additionally, I've done some more ranking and list making because it's fun and, let's be honest, there just aren't enough lists in the world! So let's open the discussion up and air out any final thoughts on the ongoing adventures of 007 & Co. Fair warning, I will use spoiler tags throughout my article for those of you who might not yet have seen Spectre, however be mindful of the comments.

Ranking the Movies

First thing's first. Here are all of my reviews and their assigned objective rankings.

Film Score
Casino Royale 94
GoldenEye 86
Skyfall 86
Goldfinger 85
On Her Majesty's Secret Service 82
The Spy Who Loved Me 80
The World is Not Enough 79
From Russia With Love 76
The Living Daylights 75
You Only Live Twice 73
Spectre (spoilers) 73
License to Kill 72
Dr. No 70
The Man with the Golden Gun 68
Quantum of Solace 68
Tomorrow Never Dies 68
Live and Let Die 66
Thunderball 61
A View to a Kill 59
Moonraker 59
For Your Eyes Only 55
Octopussy 48
Diamonds Are Forever 37
Die Another Day 30

For a fun little experiment, I wanted to see how I ranked them in comparison to other "Rank the Bond Film" lists. My sources included Rotten Tomatoes (based on their freshness rankings), IMDb (based on their user scores), Peter Travers (Rolling Stone), Forbes, Timeout New York, E! Online, Moviefone, AMC Filmsite, BuzzFeed, an /JamesBond thread, and MRQE. Here are the results.

First, I've organized them by release date and shown what their scores are on the various websites.

Second, I figured out the average score for each film with the highest and lowest score for each film thrown out to eliminate outliers (my scores are not included in this calculation) as well as determine the standard deviation for each film (i.e., how consistently each film was ranked).

Finally, here is a visualization of how each site ranked the films.

Some observations:

• No real surprises in the rankings. Casino Royale, Goldfinger, From Russia, and Skyfall all nabbed top spots. The World is Not Enough, Moonraker, and A View to a Kill took the dubious honor of bottom feeders.

• Skyfall was the most consistently ranked film (averaging spot #4 on most lists). License to Kill was the most inconsistently ranked film. No surprise either. Dalton's films split opinions upon release and have aged just well enough to be considered decent but still stand out in such a way as to turn some viewers off entirely. Without it's highest (3) and lowest (22) scores, LTK still ranked as high as 8 and as low as 22. So it was either a top-10 film or the second-worst.

• I still just don't get the hate for The World is Not Enough. Truth be told, this was the one film that actually inspired me to do all of this. I saw one or two lists that had it ranked so low. I had to see if there was anyone that agreed with me that it is actually a top 10 Bond film. Turns out there isn't. In fact, the closet I got was Moviefone who ranked it as #13.

• I don't know what Forbes is smoking. There is no way that For Your Eyes Only is the second greatest Bond film of all time. Lunacy. Similarly, I am shocked at Peter Travers' ranking for GoldenEye at 18 -- especially considering he then put Die Another Day at 10!!

• And speaking of DAD, I was legitimately surprised that it was generally considered to be a more middling film, rather than a universally hated one.

• This only confirms my belief that the Bond movies are some of the most divisive films of all time. This must surely be due to a variety of factors, not least of which is that a film series that spans 50+ years and that varies so greatly in tone from film to film will allow for people to have wildly diverse opinions of each era of film. It can all depend on which films they saw first or which ones they grew up with. I mean that sounds obvious, but just look at how much deviation there is from list to list. I mean no film came even close to receiving unanimous rankings across any of these platforms -- even Skyfall varied from 1 to 6.

Ranking the Songs

I also decided to take a look at one of the most fun aspects of the 007 franchise: the theme songs. I will be very up front about the fact that I am not a musician, I know nothing about musical theory, etc. I am just a layman, listening to these songs a few times over and making my general observations. Oh and it's worth noting that I did not include Dr. No on this list. The opening titles begin with the standard Bond Theme song, which since it was adopted into every other film I didn't feel like that really counted, and then transitions into a rendition of Three Blind Mice, which also doesn't count.

Ranking Song Artist Comments
23 For Your Eyes Only Sheena Easton Overly synth-y. Just another sappy love ballad. I just don't understand how this kind of songs was thought to be a spectacular start to a Bond film. Ugh.
22 All Time High Rita Coolidge Awful, schmaltzy saxophone intro. Same garbage as the previous three films (Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker, For Your Eyes Only).
21 Nobody Does it Better Carly Simon Sounds like something you'd hear at 3am in a piano bar. Not sure what it's doing in a Bond film. Can't stand the vocals. At least this song has a decent band swell that picks it up a bit. The gentle cymbal tapping just reinforces the late night smooth jazz vibe.
20 Moonraker Shirley Bassey Starts small, stays small, never builds. Bassey's vocals are totally wasted here. She has the ability to be fierce and biting. Here, she's lackadaisical and boring.
19 Die Another Day Madonna Starts strong with tense strings and immediately dive bombs the second Madonna's disgustingly auto-tuned vocals kick in. Terrible lyrics ("Sigmund Freud" wtf?). A pandering piece of overproduced bubblegum crap.
18 Writing's on the Wall Sam Smith So disappointing. Following such a strong entry in Skyfall, the producers completely dropped the ball with Smith's "Writing." His vocals don't remotely fit with the tone of a proper Bond song. Cannot stand his breathy, whiny chorus. Ugh.
17 A View to a Kill Duran Duran If you can't tell, I'm not a huge fan of '80s music, so the heavy presence of synths in this song are tough for me to swallow, but at least this song has some life! Especially following the era of the lousy love ballads, AVTAK was a breath of fresh air. As a song by itself, not bad. As a Bond song, not the greatest.
16 The Living Daylights A-ha Another entry just dripping in '80s production. Still, it's got lots of energy. It's got some great builds and uses some awesome big band/brass elements that are reminiscent of the classic Bond songs.
15 License to Kill Gladys Knight Love Knight's vocals. She's got a great classic Bond feel. Love the intro. It feels sleuth-y, epic. Could definitely do without those breathy backup singers.
14 Live and Let Die Paul McCartney Great song. Terrible Bond song. McCartney is second to none, don't get me wrong. This song just isn't a great fit for the series. The reason it's not lower is that is has lots of promise until the 1:22 mark. And that damn fishing reel SFX is just so damn weird… Picks back up again, however it falters again at the 1:51 mark. The good aspects of this song are great. The bad are real bad.
13 You Only Live Twice Nancy Sinatra Exotic with great vocals. It's a bit sappy but it's got a nice use of strings to keep the song from getting too schmaltzy.
12 From Russia With Love Matt Monroe I'm rather conflicted about this one. It has a great exotic feel, it's got a good crooner, and the lyrics match the globetrotting feel. I just feel that there are stronger entries that offer a bit more energy.
11 You Know My Name Chris Cornell Hard to judge this one. Great piece of rock but again, I don't know if it really feels like a true "Bond song". At least it never devolves into a weird place like Live and Let Die. This one gets major props for incorporating the Bond theme heavily throughout and having a decent set of lyrics.
10 The Man with the Golden Gun Lulu I know I'm probably going to get some hate for this one, but hear me out. Great use of electric guitar and big brass band. The lyrics are rightfully criticized for being way too literal and silly (and the chorus is very weak) but Lulu's vocals are wonderfully dry, yet full of character. I especially love the swell at 1:38.
9 Another Way to Die Alicia Keys and Jack White Another entry that might get some criticism for being this high, but I truly feel that with one minor tweak, this song could have been considered one of the best. I love the piano and crunchy guitar intro. What I don't like is the duet. If this had been a Keys solo (with White handling the instrumentals), this could have been even stronger. I also really love the lyrics' discussion of paranoia and mistrust.
8 The World is Not Enough Garbage Another very strong entry. Shirley Manson's vocals are incredibly sultry. I positively love how striking the twanging guitar chords cut right through this hazy song.
7 Thunderball Tom Jones Take note Matt Monroe, this is how to croon during a Bond song. The song kicks in with a great use of the Bond theme at 0:35. The lyrics are total nonsense, however it all comes together and sounds so excellent. Jones' killer note at the end of the song is spectacular.
6 Tomorrow Never Dies Sheryl Crow This was a huge surprise for me. As I went through these songs, I never would have thought of putting TND this high, but listening to it, I can't get enough. Throws everything in from the thundering opening, to the big drums, the bell, the jangling guitar, and the piano. Crows vocals are positively electric. Her performance is every bit sultry, sexy, and scorned. Excellent!
5 Diamonds Are Forever Shirley Bassey Forget the movie, I could just listen to this song for 2 hours instead. The opening notes are mysterious, the big band is perfect (with plenty of classic Bond brass). The drop at the 1:21 mark is fantastic. And of course, Bassey's vocals are as iconic as they get.
4 On Her Majesty's Secret Service Theme John Barry (composer) Okay so this one isn't really a theme song in the sense that these other songs were but how could I pass on it? This is perhaps one of the single greatest musical compositions of the series outside of the Bond Theme. The buzzing guitar and deep, thumping bass are totally badass.
3 GoldenEye Tina Turner Almost perfect. Sexy, mysterious, lurking, with excellent vocals and brilliant lyrics. Little moments like the Bond theme slinking in at 1:40 are just perfect.
2 Skyfall Adele I absolutely, positively adore the chilling piano intro. Adele's vocals are exquisite. I love the slow, warbling guitar (1:00), the somber strings, the huge builds, and the use of the brassy Bond theme at 1:51. The whole thing gives me chills, especially as it starts and ends on that beautiful brass note.
1 Goldfinger Shirley Bassey Surprise, surprise. It just simply does not get better than Goldfinger. This is the quintessential Bond song, the standard to which all other songs are held. The big brass band, the strings, and the vocals are all just a bit silly, just a bit sexy, totally iconic, and catchy as all hell.

Ranking the Villains

I came up with a little system for ranking the Bond villains. I determined that a good villain should have a proper plan, should be generally villainous (cruel, mad, etc.), intimidating, competent, and charismatic (or at least have a decent, definable personality). Regarding one of the series’ few recurring villains, I elected to rank Blofeld several times, one for each appearance in a different film. With that in mind, here are the Bottom 5 and Top 5 Bond villains. The full list including the scores for each category can be found here (Spectre spoilers in slot #21).

Worst Bond Villains

Rank Villain Film Plot Comments
27 Gustav Graves / Col. Moon Die Another Day Destroy S. Korea via space laser Written as if a 12 year old came up with a Bond villain. Terrible plan, never truly intimidating, and the whole DNA replacement and "I modeled him after you" bit is completely stupid.
26 Aristotle Kristatos For Your Eyes Only Retrieve the ATAC device in order to control Soviet missiles, trick 007 into assassinating Colombo Bland, boring, forgettable.
25 Brad Whitaker The Living Daylights Sell opium as a means to finance his arms trading I applaud the realism of his plot, however the character is just so damned annoying. Baker plays the American General as a complete buffoon. And the whole wargame angle is weird.
24 General Orlov Octopussy Destroy NATO relations by detonating a bomb in a foreign Air Force base Another fairly forgettable character. Berkoff portrays the General as an almost Dr. Strangelove-esque wacko.
23 Ernst Stavro Blofeld Diamonds Are Forever Destroy nations' nuclear missiles with a space laser if they refuse to give in to his ransom demands The weakest of all of Blofeld’s various plots. Mostly, this iteration is ranked so low on account of Charles Grey’s portrayal. He’s insufferable, lacks any real intimidation, and the whole army of clones and voice changing devices are all just too campy for my taste.

Best Bond Villains

Rank Villain Film Plot Comments
5 Ernst Stavro Blofeld On Her Majesty’s Secret Service Brainwash women (Angels of Death) and use them as pawns in bacterialogical warfare Okay so the plan is a little bizarre and Savalas’ portrayal might not be as iconic as the one in YOLT, however this is Blofeld at his peak. He is menacing, sinister, and intimidating. The whole lineage angle is unique and gives a little bit of humanity to what has been an otherwise flat character.
4 Alex Trevelyan (Agent 006) GoldenEye Exact revenge on England by robbing the national bank just before destroying digital records (via electromagnetic pulse from satellite) Sean Bean performs beautifully as the MI6-agent-gone-rogue. His revenge mission plot is a wonderful balance of maniacal, villainous, and realistic.
3 Auric Goldfinger Goldfinger Devalue US gold stock by detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox gold reserve Bond himself remarks how brilliant Goldfinger’s plan is upon hearing it. I’m going to refrain from making any “gold standard” jokes, but Goldfinger is seriously one of the best. Cunning, proud, coy, greedy, and downright evil.
2 Le Chiffre Casino Royale Make money by shorting airline stocks through planned terrorist attacks Le Chiffre is one of the most fascinating villains in that he is a man driven by desperation and fear more than a god complex or a desire to destroy humanity.
1 Francisco Scaramanga The Man with the Golden Gun Steal solex agitator, assassinate 007 Christopher Lee’s Scaramanga is the perfect blend of flamboyant charisma, fierce intellect, and pure skill. The dinner scene between Scaramanga and Bond remains one of my all time favorites.

Honorable mentions go to Skyfall’s freakishly relentless Raoul Silva, Spy Who Loved Me’s megalomaniac Karl Stromberg, World is Not Enough’s coldly calculating Elektra King, Dr. No’s Dr. No for setting the template, and Moonraker’s surprisingly enjoyable Hugo Drax.

Ranking the Bond Girls

I came up with a similar method of ranking one of the other pillars of any good 007 film: the Bond Girls. For this category, I rated each Bond Girl by their intellect (general intelligence), competence (how skillful they were at their profession or tasks), initiative (do they just sit around and wait for Bond to tell them what to do or not), utility (do they have a direct impact on the story or are they just sort of there for show), and (yes I am aware of the hypocrisy here) beauty. This was a somewhat difficult list to assess, as the concept of a Bond Girl is rather loose. For example, in Skyfall, Bond seduces Severine, however she is in the film for such a brief period of time and her impact on the story is so minimal, that it didn’t even seem right to try and rank her based on these categories. Then of course there are any number of throwaway characters that Bond simply sleeps with or converses with briefly that are occasionally viewed as “Bond Girls”. Think of the iconic gilded Jill Masterson from Goldfinger. You might be aghast that she isn’t on the list, but she is such a small portion of that film (especially compared to her sister, Tilly), that it didn’t even seem worth it to place her on here, despite her image being plastered on every piece of promotional material for Goldfinger. So this is my best attempt at determining who is a Bond Girl and how they rank. The full list including category rankings can be found here.

Worst Bond Girls

Rank Girl Film Comments
33 Rosie Carver Live and Let Die Perhaps the most miserable character in the series. I couldn’t help but give her the only 0 of this entire exercise for Competence. She whines and cries to a man she just met because she isn't a good CIA agent. She’s not useful, not talented, and utterly annoying. And the one time she finally acts proactively, she is condescendingly mocked for misreading Quarrel Jr.’s allegiance.
32 Mary Goodnight The Man with the Golden Gun Vapid, irritating, pathetic, almost entirely useless. She’s easily captured and even chastised for her one contribution: killing a guard. And of course there’s the infamous scene in which any dignity she might’ve had evaporates as she’s shoved in a closet while Bond and Andrea Anders have sex.
31 Tiffany Case Diamonds Are Forever Another worthless character who adds little to the plot. She is given a rare instance of initiative at the end of the film and it turns out that in doing so, she completely screws up Bond’s plan. Oh also, her dialogue is completely insufferable.
30 “Dr.” Christmas Jones The World is Not Enough Another character written to be skilled and intelligent, but portrayed by a woman who cannot convincingly pull off either. Her role in the film becomes little more than a tagalong with weak excuses being provided for why she’s still around. She also turns into the second instance of Bond’s magical ability to turn lesbians straight.
29 Stacey Sutton A View to a Kill Same deal as Jones, the character is written to be intelligent, but the actress doesn't sell it one bit. She tends to fail at everything she attempts, and Bond completely disregards her and forces her to become a damsel in distress throughout their time together. She becomes a complete tagalong after a while.

Best Bond Girls

Rank Girl Film Comments
5 Elektra King The World is Not Enough Cunning, fierce, intelligent (though blinded by rage), she is absolutely integral to the plot, her actions are her own and she even acts as the puppetmaster for a wide range of people.
4 Camille Montes Quantum of Solace Not necessarily particularly intelligent per se, but highly skilled and motivated by her well formed backstory. QoS actually provides a rare instance of Bond screwing up her plans, though she bounds back quickly. Extra points for killing one of the film’s villains.
3 Pussy Galore Goldfinger The biggest downfall for Galore is her lack of integrity during the scene in which Bond apparently rapes her straight. Aside from that terrible scene, she is a fantastic character. She gets the drop on Bond multiple times, verbally spars with the best of them, and orchestrates a hugely important aspect of the film’s ending.
2 Teresa di Vicenzo On Her Majesty’s Secret Service It pains me not to be able to give her a perfect score, however she does have her downfalls. She really ultimately is just sort of going along with her father’s plans and when she’s captured, she reverts into a fairly standard damsel in distress. Aside from that though, her beauty and intelligence are almost without parallel.
1 Vesper Lynd Casino Royale The only character in this whole exercise to receive a perfect score. The single most well-rounded character of the entire series. Highly intelligent, witty, sharp, sly, plays her own game, acts of her own accord with her own motivations, integral to the plot — oh and stunningly gorgeous.

Honorable mentions go to Spy Who Loves Me’s crafty and skilled Anya Amasova, Die Another Day’s coldly independent Miranda Frost, You Only Twice’s Aki who saves Bond’s butt on more than one occasion, Tomorrow Never Die’s devil may care Wai Lin, and License to Kill’s rough and rowdy Pam Bouvier.

Ranking the Bonds

And of course there’s the ranking of the Bond actors. Everyone has an opinion that varies greatly from the last. Heck, I’ve already changes my mind three times as I’ve sat here writing this. Each actor is so wildly different and they all come from such unique times that it’s almost impossible to try and fairly compare them. And then of course there’s the struggle of trying to give each actor a fair shake when their films have varied so greatly in quality and number. But I will try to do my best.

Rank Actor Films Years Active Comments
6 Roger Moore 7 1973 - 1985 Easily the worst in my opinion. I never bought him as an assassin. I never bought him as a seductive gentleman. His humor was mostly lost on me. When they tried to get him to be rough and tumble in TMWTGG when he’s interrogating Anders, he just seems abusive. He also had the worst string of films to deal with and was kept on as Bond for far too long. Too few upsides.
5 George Lazenby 1 1969 This ranking is really misleading, as I actually LOVED Lazenby as Bond. I felt that he completely captured the crass attitude and unbridled swagger. I would frankly consider putting him as high as #3, however Lazenby’s biggest downfall is his lack of clout. He just wasn’t Bond long enough to get a decent gauge of how he really fit into Bond’s shoes.
4 Sean Connery 6 1962 - 1967, 1971 Blasphemy! Just because he was first doesn’t mean he was the best. He laid the groundwork and managed the suave nature and action better than some, however his characters never really felt like they had any depth to them. Mostly he is severely handicapped by his lackluster performances in YOLT and DAF.
3 Timothy Dalton 2 1987 - 1989 Ah Dalton, the Bond we needed but didn’t deserve. Dalton’s career was similarly too short. I considered giving him the #4 spot under Connery for this purpose alone, but I really feel like he did enough in his two films to establish what kind of Bond he was and would have continued to be. The dark, brooding exterior occasionally gave in to flashes of real charm and even caring. The humor could have used some work, but the action and especially the suave, high-class nature fit him perfectly.
2 Daniel Craig 4 2006 - present Craig’s performance in Casino alone would have been enough to push him into first place, however he’s had kind of a bizarre run of films since then. The stories have set him up to just be continually cantankerous and sullen. I have him in the #2 spot temporarily, depending on how the rest of his run as Bond goes. If he is able to do more films and is able to continue to regain his wit from Casino and to continue his arc from brutish thug to refined gentleman assassin, I feel the #2 or even #1 spot could be his.
1 Pierce Brosnan 4 1995 - 2002 It was equally difficult to call Brosnan the unequivocal best. His run is sadly marred by a series of mediocre and downright bad films. That said, his performance in GoldenEye is probably one of the best in the series. Brosnan is able to pull off every aspect of what makes Bond Bond with ease. He nails the humor, he looks like he belongs in a tux, and he appears entirely at ease when in the midst of a tense shootout or car chase. He even totally sells a few small moments throughout the series that required him to appear frightened, surprised, and vulnerable.

Naturally there is so much more I could discuss (favorite gadgets, favorite moments, favorite henchmen), but I suppose I should save something for the lead up to Bond 25, eh? A sincere thanks once more to everyone who joined me for the discussions over the past several months. Cheers!
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JoJo's OC Tournament #3: R1 M4 - Blue Monday vs. 'Crowbar' Jackson

The Results are in for match 2! The winner is… Buffalo Soldier, with a score of 75 to Lucil Caravan’s 37
Category Winner Point Totals Comments
Popularity Buffalo Soldier {36-4} Landslide victory for Buffalo here, 8-1 votes. Many voters felt like Lucil, while having the early advantage, didn’t utilize her skills as well as her opponent, and as the deliberations below show all but one of the chosen judges were inclined to agree.
Quality Buffalo Soldier {24-19} Reasoning.
JoJolity Buffalo Soldier {15-14} Reasoning.
This match was an absolute stomp compared to the first one, though admittedly its voter turnout was also quite a bit lower. Both teams were given JoJolities that encouraged a creative usage of their stands, and none of the judges were impressed, even if the quality portion was much more generous. As of typing this, it’s not too late to turn the tide in the ice-cold combat between two men, a cat, a detective, and a beachcomber, voting for which ends 11:59CST on the eleventh.
Scenario
The oddly-proportioned Blue Monday was on a mission, having received word from the Speedwagon Foundation earlier that day about a possible informant.
“He said he wanted to make sure he had the right guys,” Explained a faceless, unamused voice on the other end of Blue’s radio. “couldn’t trust just anyone with this intel. Sounds like a load to me, but orders from on-high want someone with the right skillset in to check it out.”
“I could’ve done without being told I was wasting my time.” The Supernatural Policeman groaned to himself, squinting harder than usual as the sand whipped around him the further he went into the vast desert.He had been told earlier to keep his communications open in case the contact tried anything funny, but unbeknownst to his superiors, this was a poor decision.
Blocks away, squatting by an alley, clutching a bottle of booze with a cigarette pursed between his lips, another man’s eyes were burning a vibrant blue. This was how 「Crowbar」 Jackson typically spent his ‘reconnaissance’, which was more just an excuse to get some alone time from the gaggle of oddities that was The Good Vibrations. Listening to pointless drama, telemarketers being hung-up on, and sportscasters in a language he didn’t understand. A giggling woman’s voice began to fade in, saying something along the lines of “... ust make sure my husband doesn’t-” fizzle in and out. With that poor bastard’s misfortune, ‘Crowbar’ had decided he’d spent enough time in this small Egyptian town’s seedier district, before a particularly distant single caught his eye.
“It could be important, Monday. He might have something to say about these… ‘Artifacts?’ That’s what you’ve been calling them, right?”
Needless to say, the Stand User’s interest was piqued with this revelation. It didn’t take ‘Crowbar’ long to track down where exactly this Monday guy was from piggybacking off of the countless radio signals in the area, which only grew more numerous the further he looked into it.
Left outside of an ancient-looking clay hut in the middle of a sandstorm, Blue Monday was exchanging less-than-pleasant words with his superior about the nature of his assignment, when his grumbling was brought to a halt by another man approaching from behind him.
“Who in the... ” He said, turning behind him to see a heavy, but well-built man with piercing blue eyes towering over him. 「Ｓ．Ａ．Ｍ．」 was clinging tightly to his User’s back in order to avoid detection for the moment, babbling out incomprehensible electrical noise to its user.
“Ah, shit,” was his reply. “I thought you would’a been inside by now.” Nonchalantly crossing his arms and continuing to stare down at the man, he remained unflinching even as Blue subtly placed his hand by the side of his pistol.
“So, it was an ambush, of course. Let’s just get this o-” His threat was cut short, however, but an fanciful, older man with a cane and top hat appearing from the entrance to the shabby building behind them.
“Greetings, Mr. Monday!” He said with a smile and a bow, reaching out a gloved hand to his guest. “My apologies for the wait… I see you’ve brought a friend?” The building’s proprietor was nothing if not polite, but something about his smile gave off a cold, impersonal feeling.
“I don’t know hi-”
“I ain’t here for-”
Before either Stand User could complete their protest, the mysterious man continued to rattle off pleasantries before inviting them inside. “Nonsense, gentlemen. Come inside, it’s absolutely dreadful out here!”
“How fortuitous that you brought him along, I must say! I was worried I might have made things too easy for you, otherwise…” He chuckled as he lead them down the stairs of the small shack. As the trio went further down, bright lights and slurred words assaulted their senses, the man turned on his heels as they reached the bottom, a row of lights appearing behind him and leading toward a door marked ‘EMPLOYEES ONLY’.
“Welcome to The House of the Rising Sun, my pride and joy!” He gestured with his diamond-studded walking stick, toward the neon-flooded facility filled with scammers, suckers, and deplorables of all kinds. “I’ve set up a little game for you two, but I’m nothing if not a man of my word! I guarantee that one of you will walk away from this building with what you’ve come looking for!”
Blue Monday audibly groaned at the word ‘game’, whereas ‘Crowbar’ has been somewhat somber since the moment he stepped foot inside this establishment. Of course it had to be a Casino.
“I have information, it’s true! The world is quickly becoming a rather fearful place, is it not?” He asked with clear mock-sadness in his voice. “Such a tragedy that we must fight tooth and nail for the slightest scraps of direction! Wouldn’t it be better if we could play a gentleman’s game instead?”
In an instant, two very large, nearly-identical men in black suits appeared behind each of the man’s guests, slamming five-hundred dollars into each of their hands. “I’ll give the each of you, oh, I don’t know… three hours?” He said, clearly playing the showman as he thoughtfully tapped his chin.
“Three hours to make as much money as possible in this wonderful establishment of mine! We have all sorts of games and devices for you to play, though I must warn you not to cause too much of a fuss…”
The man’s face suddenly took a dour turn, his cold eyes piercing even ‘Crowbar’s own. “I am running a business here, and「all that entails.」” His expression softened not an instant sooner, however, and his toothy grin returned. “I’ll be seeing you gentlemen shortly, good luck to the both of you!”
As he followed the lights on the floor to the ‘EMPLOYEES ONLY’ section accompanied by the burly men from earlier, both Users could hear him speaking under his breath, repeating the phrase ‘good luck’ in an amused murmur as a loud SLAM rang out from behind the competitors, and the stairway was replaced with a wall indistinguishable from the rest.
Location: A mysterious casino in the middle of the Egyptian desert… The outside of the building looks likes an abandoned clay shack, but there is a stairway in the building to an opulent underground casino floor. The casino would not seem out of place in Vegas, with various food shops on the perimeter and a huge amount of slot machines, card tables, digital poker, and roulette tables. There are several guards patrolling the area, along with operators at all the tables. There are also security cameras littered all over the place, with practically zero blind spots. The area is very well populated with gamblers, with people all over the floor.
Objective: Each player has $500 dollars, and three hours to do as they will in the casino. End the three hours with as much money as you possibly can! The options for gambling are Roulette Tables, 5 Card Draw and Texas Hold ‘Em (Both physical tables and Video Poker machines), and slot machines.
Slot machines and Video Poker are rigged to give back about 50% of what they put in. For making money, this is bad news, though the Roulette tables are fair. There are also two versions of each Poker table: Low Stakes ($10 Minimum bet, $100 Maximum bet) and High Stakes ($100 Minimum bet, $1000 Maximum bet). Low Stakes tables are fair, but High Stakes tables use rigged decks that guarantee good hands for the house. All Video Poker Machines are High Stakes. A single game of physical Poker will take about an hour, Video Poker will take ~45 minutes, playing the roulette will take about 15 minutes, and slots can be played extremely rapidly.
There is some good news, though: you are a Stand user! There are no other Stand users in the area besides your opponent, so all cheating is fair game! Be careful though; if you start breaking open slot machines for tokens or starting fights for people’s winnings, you’ll get thrown out in a second. If you go on a massive winning streak, you will also be ‘asked to leave’. But if you can be subtle about it...
Additional Information: You’ve both received a small note written in a fanciful font without noticing. Slyly reverse-pickpocketed, it contains a brief overview of the gist of the Enemy’s ability. ‘Small all-purpose agent’ and ‘Radio signal-hopping’ are the two descriptors your mysterious benefactor has given you.
Team Combatant JoJolity
Jaded Justice Blue Monday “Shut up!! Let it burn!! I have to know how Josuke was Cheating!!!” Turn around, bright eyes. Predict and reveal your opponent’s cheating strategy!
Good Vibrations ‘Crowbar’ Jackson "You rigged something, didn't you, Jotaro!?” That lil’ punctuation-faced spy isn’t so sly! Predict and reveal your opponent’s cheating strategy!
Spectators are always welcome to privately message one of the judges and request an invitation to the tourney’s official discord server to discuss a wide variety of things, as well as be among the first to know about any tourney developments.
To cut back on the size of our posts, we introduced a sheet we can easily link to and edit, instead of having to copy-paste, and edit the table from the previous match each time. The match table will continue to exist on reddit posts. The Table is here.
Match Number Player Count Objective/Deathmatch PlayeTeam 1 PlayeTeam 2 Stage Description Date
Match 1 1v1 Deathmatch Clarence Creedwater Felix Arrowsmith Just make sure the ice doesn’t crack beneath you… Jan. 4th
Match 2 1v1 Objective Lucil Caravan Buffalo Soldier There’s a fox on the run… And you’ve got to catch it! Jan. 6th
Match 3 2v2 Deathmatch Blake Falstaff, Mr. Moon, and Bas Haze Marco F. Caine and Geoff Wetton Visibility is low, and it’s cold as hell… This is the tundra, I guess. Jan. 8th
Match 4 1v1 Objective Blue Monday ‘Crowbar’ Jackson $500, three hours, and an underground casino. Get as rich as you can! Jan. 10th
Match 5 1v1 Deathmatch ‘Lazarus’ Judas Saxon This coaster is pretty rickety… Hopefully it’ll last the fight! Jan. 12th
Match 6 2v2 Objective Simon ‘Jack’ Rodgers and Basilio Goltero Santos Sarah ‘Stratovarius’ Williams and Kent Jerrod Moore You have to stop your train from crashing! Wait, there are robbers too?! Jan. 14th
Match 7 1v1 Deathmatch Dragomir Mrovich Stephen ‘Steppy’ Morris Bumper cars are lonely with two people… But they’re perfect with just one! Jan. 16th
Match 8 2v1 Boss Match Tsao Xu Dr. Jekyll A homeless army, and their loathsome king... Jan. 18th
Match 9 2v2 Deathmatch Nick Mason and Eleanor Rigby ‘Mute’ (River Eiselidge) and Baron Mordechai A nice pleasant cruise… Except for two small problems…! Jan. 20th
Match 10 1v1 Deathmatch ‘Monster’ Seido Shuto There should be a base up in these mountains… But there shouldn’t be another climber! Time to fix that. Jan. 22nd
Match 11 1v1 Deathmatch Rory Raccoon Grace Vincent Two intruders, waging a quiet war in a top secret base. Jan. 24th
Match 12 2v2 Deathmatch Stu Steel E. and Fabian Gibson John ‘Jaco’ Pastorius and Michael McClane Hopefully there’ll be something to find on this island… Besides the shipwreck survivors, I mean. Jan. 26th
Match 13 1v1 Objective Anna Rose Ken Nard … It’s time to slam now! Jan. 28th
Match 14 1v1 Deathmatch Bremen Mary Ann You don’t have to be faster than the swarm… You only have to be faster than the other guy! Jan. 30th
Match 15 2v2 Objective MAKS_13 and Manny Elflad Bond Jovi and Crispin Freeman A Stand-Using robber has set a bomb in the mall! Make sure it doesn’t go off. Feb. 1st
Match 16 2v1 Boss Match Gregor Yuvecksky Lance Fight for your life in an abandoned cathedral! Feb. 3rd
Match 17 1v1 Deathmatch Henry Jenkins Akiyoshi ‘Aki’ Yamamato The ground far beneath you, the wind in your hair… There’s nothing quite like bungee jumping. Feb. 5th
Match 18 2v2 Objective Thela Hun Ginjeet and Soichi Utsumi) Roger Waters and Donatello Blackwell ‘Row’ as in ‘rowboats’, obviously. What did you think I meant? Feb. 7th
Match 19 1v1 Objective Damon Aurel Ivan Abaduboi A rural English town hit with a nasty… Rainstorm?! Feb. 9th
Match 20 1v1 Deathmatch Jim Ledbetter Johnny Leever Two truck drivers racing down the highway, while the stowaways have a battle of their own! Feb. 11th
Match 21 2v2 Objective Miras Atrium and Henry Walshman Amaki Castillo and Ortaz Ivanov An erupting volcano, and a straight path down… Time to run! Feb. 13th
Match 22 1v1 Deathmatch Furo Raida Daniel Cali Two foes duke it out on a fishing boat, assaulted by the weather! Feb. 15th
Match 23 1v1 Objective Tyler Bonnie Chloes Jay, Kay, and Elle Don’t worry, buddy. Prisoners stick together. I’ll protect you, no matter what! Feb. 17th
Match 24 2v2 Deathmatch Russ Teneo and Jules Langlias Henry Muller and Qiao Si Zhou Four Stand Users, two cars, and an empty highway... Feb. 19th
submitted by FastLikeLightning to StardustCrusaders [link] [comments]

[USA][H] Personal Collection (NES,SNES,N64,Ps1,Ps2,Ps3,genesis,dreamcast)[W]PayPal!!!

note: sorry if it turns out something isn't available any longer. I sometimes forget to mark off things that have been sold previously, resulting in let-downs. I am VERY sorry if this happens to anybody!
Hey there /GameSwap! I am in need of some money currently, and am VERY LIKELY to make a deal. I am ONLY looking for PayPal. I am also less-likely to make deals concerning my Sega Saturn and Sega Dreamcast games, as they are what I enjoy owning the most.
NOT LISTED BELOW, I HAVE SOME BOXED NINTENDO GAMES, along with a few other snes games also not listed
IF you want to see these, offer me A FAIR AMOUNT for these via PayPal. The least likely to be sold for any less than retail is Super Metroid (because i like the game, even if it isn't in mint condition. it's in near-mint) and Soul Blazer (as it is MINT!). A guide book is also available with Super Metroid (no it doesn't come with it for free.)
CLICK HERE TO SEE THEM
Other than that, here is everything else available for trade. As I need the money, i may or may not ask for you to pay for shipping, depending on how much you order and how big the items are.
For sale/trade:
CONTROLLERS
CONSOLES:
ATARI:
Willing to make a deal if interested in bulk atari games
GAMECUBE:
SEGA GENESIS:
Sega Dreamcast:
Sega Saturn:
NINTENDO 64:
NES:
PS1:
PS2:
PS3:
PSP:
SNES:
XBOX 360:
WANTS: * = moderately wanted ** = REALLY wanted *** = must have **** = most wanted/priority item
Willing to look at games for the following systems for trades:
submitted by xzile400 to GameSale [link] [comments]

[USA][H]Game collection[W] Paypal $$$

Looking to get some cash because I need to pay rent and the new smash bros is coming out, so I NEED TO GET MONEY FOR IT!
Note: Preffer to only ship to the US, as it can get VERY pricey to ship outside of the US (depending on where)
Heres my list. I'm willing to make deals currently.
note: shipping is usually around $3-$15 depending on how much your getting. 1 or 2 items probably $3-5, a large lot of items can range up to $15 for the bigger boxes, obviously.
PERSONAL BUNDLE DEALS AVAILABLE
All my ps2 games! http://i.imgur.com/O4oaK06.jpg Proper list of all games here: https://www.dropbox.com/s/oak24j8wrh64o3d/chart.txt?dl=0 $325 + shipping and they're all yours. (shipping = $15. Will try to fit them all into a large flat-rate box, but if I can't i'll eat the difference."
Sega Saturn lot: http://i.imgur.com/074vU8i.jpg $110 + shipping and they're all yours (Shipping = $15, large flat rate box)
For sale/trade:
CONTROLLERS
CONSOLES:
ATARI:
Willing to make a deal if interested in bulk atari games
GAMECUBE:
SEGA GENESIS:
Sega Dreamcast:
Sega Saturn:
NINTENDO 64:
NES:
PS1:
PS2:
PS3:
PSP:
SNES:
XBOX 360:
WANTS: * = moderately wanted ** = REALLY wanted *** = must have **** = most wanted/priority item
Willing to look at games for the following systems for trades:
Sidenote: Sorry in advanced if you ask for something and I don't have it available anymore. I sometimes miss a game or 2 to remove from my list when I sell/trade something. SORRY!!!!
submitted by xzile400 to GameSale [link] [comments]

Ads for 2017-01-23 (1 / 2)

Subreddit Title Brand
Jokes Have you heard The Presidents of the United States are re-recording some of their biggest hits United
news Gang rapes woman in Sweden and broadcasts it on Facebook live Facebook
Showerthoughts Could one say that a Lego man's dick is a cock block Lego
AskReddit What are good tips to starting a successful Youtube channel? Youtube
funny Casually strolling through Walmart and found this gem of a rollback Walmart
AskReddit Former and current Microsoft employees that received the infamous Halloween documents, how did you feel about it at the time compared to today? Microsoft
gaming Question about the Xbox messaging on Microsoft website Microsoft
gaming Question about the Xbox messaging on Microsoft website Xbox
news All United Airlines Domestic Flights Grounded by Computer Outage United
funny My Google assistant is on my wavelength. Google
pics My favorite Twitter conversion about the Women's March Twitter
mildlyinteresting EpiPen for public use in CN tower CN
worldnews Trump says Nafta 'renegotiations' with Mexico and Canada to start - BBC News BBC
pics Men protesting circumcisions outside Gillette Stadium at the AFC Championship game Gillette
funny Appears United Airlines computers are fed up! United
AskReddit What is the one thing you see on your Facebook news feed that you cannot help but respond to? Facebook
news FAA Says United Requested Grounding of Domestic U.S. Flights United
funny Tip of my tongue Google to the rescue. Google
EarthPorn Snowshoeing along a lake in Southwest Colorado, 2688x1520OC Southwest
food Homemade Southwest Style Scramble Southwest
mildlyinteresting Odometer reached 44,444 miles on my 2008 Toyota Corolla. Toyota
OldSchoolCool Manchester United Legend George Best, Late 60's/Early 70's United
gifs Bizarre Caterpillar That Makes Own Leafy 'Armor' Seen for 1st Time Caterpillar
personalfinance Worked UPS seasonal job. No paying me bonuses and paying me very late. UPS
gaming I'm starting a double moniter setup I have a 24" dell moniter and I'm looking for another I need it for either Xbox or computer any recommendations Xbox
Showerthoughts The White House is the hardest to acquire rental in the United States. Free rent but have to acquire the rarest job in the country to attain it temporarily. United
news More than 3M Americans marched in this Saturday's women's marches 3M
aww Sleeping Otis the Pug..a face only a mother could love !! Otis
gaming Resident Evil 7 - Xbox One Exclusive Scene LEAK Xbox
personalfinance Chase Freedom vs Discover It Rewards Cards Discover
aww This is Mr Winston and this is his morning stretch Winston
news Ground stop lifted, United Airlines flights set to resume United
AskReddit SeriousHow the hell is BP still allowed to operate after the Deepwater Horizon incident!? BP
todayilearned TIL: On January 3, 2017, a bill called H.R.193 - American Sovereignty Restoration Act of 2017 was introduced by Republicans. It aims to terminate U.S. membership with the United Nations United
mildlyinteresting This Chevron station still uses the Standard Oil name Chevron
Jokes What happened when the Orange slept with the skanky Lemon? Orange
todayilearned TIL that Taco Bell owns the internet domain www.ta.co Bell
AskReddit Walmart workers of Reddit, what's some crazy Walmart stuff that has gone down during your shift? Walmart
AskReddit Was Kraft drunk or stoned? Kraft
Jokes It is said that Bill Gates once farted in an Apple store which stank up the entire place. Apple
gaming [Online Betting Malaysia
todayilearned TIL when filming Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Barbra Streisand showed up in a dominatrix suite and whipped Harrison Ford for various reasons. Carrie Fisher came to his rescue shortly after. Ford
todayilearned TIL that the Simpsons negotiated a contract in such a way that they could make fun of FOX while being on air on FOX at the same time without network interference FOX
Showerthoughts Anytime Google maps tells me how long a trip is going to be, I take it as a challenge. Google
AskReddit What was your most interesting Uber ride? Uber
videos Play Playstation 1 Games On A Dreamcast! - The Story Of Bleem Playstation
worldnews Jallikattu: Two die in Indian bullfight amid controversy - BBC News BBC
worldnews Syria conflict: Peace talks due to begin in Astana, Kazakhstan - BBC News BBC
explainlikeimfive ELI5: How does Youtube work? Youtube
OldSchoolCool August von Mackensen, 1916. A skull in his hat. From "The Great War" Youtube Channel Youtube
AskReddit If someone were to look at your Google search history, what's the weirdest thing he/she would find? Google
Documentaries Crude: The Real Price of Oil 2009 - An award-winning documentary that chronicles the epic battle to hold oil giant Chevron formerly Texaco accountable for its systematic contamination of the Ecuadorian Amazon. Chevron
IAmA IamA Police Officer AMA! To Be Answered Live on Youtube Live Stream. Youtube
AskReddit What kinds of comments/commenters ruin Youtube comment sections for you? Youtube
television Anybody else catch the premiere of CBS new show Hunted? CBS
Showerthoughts Does witnessing a robbery at an Apple Store make me an iwitness? Apple
videos 2 Chainz Good Drank Featuring Gucci Mane Quavo Produced By Mike Dean Album Hibachi for Lunch Gucci
mildlyinteresting This Walgreens brand sleep aid tells you not to take more than directed, but not how much to take. Walgreens
AskReddit We call Kraft's peanut butter simply Peanut Butter, etc... Why do we say Kraft before Dinner? Should it not just be called Dinner? Kraft
news Man shot in chest near film set in Brisbane - ABC News ABC
Jokes A reporter asked a protester why he destroyed the windows at Starbucks during the protest. Starbucks
tifu TIFU by using my Apple Watch to track my "workout". NSFW kinda.. Apple
Showerthoughts Seeing commercials with the guy who switched to Sprint doesn't convince me at all to make the switch myself. All I see is a guy who sold out Sprint
videos It's been 33 years since the Apple 1984 commercial. Here's a behind-the-scenes video of it... Apple
gaming Forgot to cancel my Xbox Live gold subscription nearly 4 years ago when I built my PC.... Xbox
funny I think Google is trying to tell me something... Google
AskReddit 75% of the United States population must be deleted and YOU have to select the criteria. What petty reason would cause you to add people to the delete list? United
mildlyinteresting This extra long Kraft Dinner noodle Kraft
AskReddit What would you remove from Facebook to make it less shitty? Facebook
todayilearned TIL pc.com redirects to the Intel site Intel
funny Went into FedEx Print/Ship store to print, four, forty page booklets for an upcoming interview...the cost $279!! LOL I left #FedExPrintOutOfBusinessInOneYear FedEx
todayilearned TIL the longest ever speech delivered in the United Nations is eight-hour long. It was delivered by VK Krishna Menon on On 23 January 1957. United
personalfinance What are the tradeoffs between investing in the "nine no-load Vanguard funds" versus a single "Vanguard Target Retirement" fund? Target
news Report: Apple & Foxconn ‘mulling’ $7B investment in U.S. manufacturing with ‘highly automated’ display facility Apple
photoshopbattles PsBattle: The Official Portrait of the 45th President of the United States. United
tifu TIFU By buying the wrong IKEA doors IKEA
funny A customer dropped this note off at the Apple store while her computer was in for a data transfer. Apple
pics A customer dropped this note off at the Apple store while her computer was in for a data transfer. Apple
history How Important Was The United States Contribution to World War 2? United
Documentaries The Relaxed Wife: Stress Relief With Tranquilizers - 1957 Educational Film: Atarax Hydroxyzine is a first-generation antihistamine of the diphenylmethane and piperazine classes. It was first synthesized by Union Chimique Belge in 1956 and was/is marketed by Pfizer in the United States.13:24 United
Documentaries The Relaxed Wife: Stress Relief With Tranquilizers - 1957 Educational Film: Atarax Hydroxyzine is a first-generation antihistamine of the diphenylmethane and piperazine classes. It was first synthesized by Union Chimique Belge in 1956 and was/is marketed by Pfizer in the United States.13:24 Pfizer
pics Mr. Rogers in the '50s Looks like the guy from Nathan for you Rogers
television The BBC TV show about the health treatment you can't get on the NHS BBC
gaming Perkins Coie LLP in United States United
AskReddit Tim Cook resigns as CEO of Apple to be replaced by Kanye West. What are some things we could expect in these reality? Apple
worldnews Republicans Introduce Bill Proposing Withdrawal From United Nations United
tifu tifu by overcharging the now vice pres of the United states of America United
gaming MY New Youtube Channel. Any tips? Youtube
gifs Aaron Rogers Brotherly Love Rogers
photoshopbattles PsBattle: the Camel ride is about to start Camel
pics The Roman Baths with the Abby in the background. Taken on a recent trip to Bath, United Kingdom United
news New seat alert app for pregnant commuters - BBC News BBC
todayilearned TIL that a restriction by Paypal was necessitated some years back because many Nigerians used the payment platform to defraud many foreign buyers on Ebay. Paypal
mildlyinteresting My Orange was cold this morning Orange
space Two sunspots visible on the sun. Image shot with a Nexus 5 through the telescope at the AF Philips observatorium, Eindhoven Philips
news DOJ: Microsoft isn’t harmed when it can’t tell users what data we want Microsoft
videos Pen Pineapple Apple Pen on the Piano! Apple
worldnews US exit from United Nations could become reality with fresh bill United
pics Everything is aweso...HERESY - Lego Space Marines. Lego
worldnews US President Donald Trump misspells honour in latest Twitter mishap Twitter
videos Last year Booking.com gave all 14,000 employees a GoPro and asked them to capture their travels, well this is the result Booking.com
AskReddit Have you tried Sprite Banana challenge and how was it? Sprite
AskReddit Why did Pres. Nixon choose Gerald Ford to be his VP when Agnew resigned? Ford
worldnews President Donald Trump Returns Bust Of Sir Winston Churchill To Oval Office Winston
pics Long Exposure of Nissan Skyline at Sunset Nissan
videos Formtastic Forms Ways to Use Google Forms in the Classroom ne... Google
news Bill Introduced to Remove US From United Nations United
Futurology Is this Apple Store-inspired setup the future of health care? Forward says yes - "Members complete their check-in process on an iPad, then make their way to a full-body scanner that sends their vitals to Forward’s AI algorithms." Apple
TwoXChromosomes How do you feel about the white man's anger at today's Swedish Facebook story? Facebook
explainlikeimfive ELI5:How did MS-DOS make Microsoft an OS power house? Microsoft
mildlyinteresting My Coca-Cola can has expanded to it's limit Coca-Cola
funny Robin in the new Lego Batman Movie Lego
AskReddit What are the equivalent AMD processors of Intel Processors? Intel
WritingPrompts WPIn the distant post apocalyptic future of 4017, 4 warring factions rule the wasteland; Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook and Reddit.Unfortunately, there are rumours, legends of an another faction.The forgotten faction of 4chan. Facebook
funny An American trying to scam an Indian on Twitter Long Twitter
Music Electric Light Orchestra - Mr Blue Sky Pop/Art Rock Sky
videos This older man, is an army veteran. He lost his wife a few years ago, and now he doesn't have much besides his Youtube Channel. This reaction to Molly by Lil Dicky is so great. He tears up, and so did I. Youtube
funny I wanted to see the two emotions Harrison Ford was showing us. The result was a bit disturbing. Ford
mildlyinteresting Doing a Google search for "want to be" will automatically bring you to the music video for Wannabe by the Spice Girls Google
videos Amazing Jeep Playing Seesaw Jeep
explainlikeimfive ELI5: What effect would leaving the United Nations have on America? United
gaming Tekken 7 launches June 2, 2017 for the PlayStation 4, Xbox One, and PC via STEAM Xbox
news Computer glitch grounds United flights for the second time in three months United
Showerthoughts If Google knows my favorite teams it should also know when they get crushed in the playoffs and stop rubbing it in. Google
Showerthoughts As the father of two gamers, there will come a day where I'm literally the guy on Xbox Live who fucked their mom Xbox
AskReddit How are women discriminated against in the United States today? Serious United
news Bill introduced to remove US from United Nations United
dataisbeautiful The world split into regions with the same population as the United States OC United
worldnews Australian Open: Jo-Wilfried Tsonga shares heartfelt letter from ball girl - BBC News BBC
Music Explosions In The Sky - First Breath After Coma Post-Rock Sky
videos Is Robert Kraft drunk? Kraft
gadgets First, the headphone jack. And now, Apple is looking to remove the home button??? NOOO! Apple
Jokes Apple is suing Qualcomm for selling them overpriced chips. Qualcomm
Music Sam Kent - Smile Alternative Rock Kent
worldnews GCHQ director Hannigan resigns - BBC News BBC
funny Is Google Earthview trolling us? Google
television 'Allo 'Allo! star Gorden Kaye dies at 75 - BBC News BBC
worldnews 'Allo 'Allo! star Gorden Kaye dies at 75 - BBC News BBC
gaming Plenty of affordable used-copies of No Man's Sky at Best Buy if anyone is interested. Sky
worldnews Ethics lawyers to sue Trump over foreign payments - BBC News BBC
food Homemade Tennessee Mountain Stack Cake OR Apple Stack Cake Apple
videos What Car Donation in United Kingdom and in California How to Donate a Car to Charity full Information in this tutorial United
OldSchoolCool Couple with a dog standing on their shoulders, United Kingdom, circa 1910s United
space 48 hours til Boeing Starliner suit reveal x-post from /cislunar Boeing
videos Ed Roberts activist Google Doodle Top 50 Interesting Facts about Ed Roberts Google
worldnews Trump juggles offer to slash taxes with border tax threat - BBC News BBC
gifs Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul Reunite for Audi ad Audi
listentothis Lawrence Arabia - Apple Pie Bed Indie Pop 2009 Apple
news A bill has been introduced that would remove the United States from the UN. United
funny R.Kelly is driving a Toyota Highlander now! Toyota
Futurology The future is electric! New Hybrid Audi SUV Boasts 467 Horsepower, over 1000km range thanks to Lithium Ion Batteries. Audi
AskReddit You woke up in the year 2100, what would be the first thing you Google ? Google
gaming I think I found the game that is everything No Man's Sky let us down on. Sky
news Three men arrested in Sweden after Facebook Live 'gang-rape' Facebook
worldnews President Donald Trump signed an executive order formally withdrawing the United States from the 12-nation Trans-Pacific Partnership trade deal United
todayilearned TIL That According to the United States Supreme Court, Tomatoes are Vegetables United
Jokes Good Joke From Danmark Im Not Good To English So I Use Google Translate Google
Documentaries Krakatoa: The Last Days 2006- a BBC documentary about the eruption based on an observer's firsthand account. BBC
worldnews Why Bill Clinton helped a 33-year-old build a $1bn firm - BBC News BBC
funny My local McDonald's can satisfy all of your cravings.. McDonald's
AskReddit Sean Spicer went on a five-year Twitter war with Dippin' Dots. Which company would you get in a Twitter war with and why? Twitter
videos I fixed some cool retro Sony Walkman speakers in ep005 Sony
gaming I have a Apple Mac mini any suggestions for games I want to download a couple. Apple
todayilearned TIL that Lucy the australopithecus specimen found in 1974 in Ethiopia, was nicknamed after The Beatle's song 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' which was played often in the expedition camp. Sky
mildlyinteresting This Chevron station still bares the Standard Oil name Chevron
mildlyinteresting This Chevron station still bears the Standard Oil name Chevron
pics The 2017 Renault Trezor concept. Renault
nottheonion Farmers in the United States Have Been Feeding Their Cattle Red Skittles United
AskReddit You see that your hometown is on the top of Twitter trends. What happened? Twitter
gaming Could not pick between PS4 and Xbox One Xbox
mildlyinteresting I received a McDonald's Big Mac with no sauce, cheese or lettuce in it... McDonald's
Futurology The Volkswagen Hippie Bus Is Back and Now It's Electric Volkswagen
mildlyinteresting This McDonald's sign doesn't say McDonald's McDonald's
Jokes The President of The United States. United
Art Vernon Roche painting Roche
mildlyinteresting This McDonald's is green with antler chandeliers to match the nearby sporting goods store McDonald's
Showerthoughts Below zero is a lot colder in the United States than it is in Canada. United
AskReddit Donald Trump is now the Emperor of the United Empire of America. What is different? United
AskReddit What is the worst possible sandwich you can make at Subway using actual ingredients from Subway? Subway
todayilearned TIL the Goldman family was awarded OJ Simpson's Rolex in the civil case, only to return it when a jeweler advised it was a $100 fake made in China. The settlement said items that cheap would remain owned by Simpson. Rolex
AskReddit SeriousWhat happened to the FailArmy Youtube account? Youtube
AskReddit Other than the Lego games, what are some good Xbox One games for young kids ages 8 and 7? Xbox
AskReddit Other than the Lego games, what are some good Xbox One games for young kids ages 8 and 7? Lego
worldnews UK leader admits she knew British nuclear missile flew towards United States United
explainlikeimfive ELI5: How are stores like Dollar General able to stay in business despite selling things for a dollar? Dollar General
worldnews Zambian police banned from marrying foreigners - BBC News BBC
worldnews UK leader admits she knew British nuclear missile flew towards United States United
gaming Please help. Friend won an Xbox One during Gamestop's Dishonored 2 Stream three months ago, no response from them since. Xbox
todayilearned TIL that Uber applied for a patent on surge pricing in 2013, but it was denied for being obvious. Uber
Music Kenny Rogers had to sit down at his concert, but the audience stood up to applaud him Rogers
submitted by HailCorporateRobot to PotentialHailCorp [link] [comments]

Obscurity

Had it been 1990 and not 2026 communicating with my dick would have involved long distance charges. But that was just nostalgia and the shrooms talking. After fifteen years without a shave and a meal under a thousand greasy calories I had at long last come out of my 99th nervous breakdown four months ago.
Brown rice and organic sauerkraut with a teaspoon of miso was all I had been eating for the past 120 days and I was chewing each mouthful a hundred times. The pounds were melting as fast the remaining ten miles of polar ice caps. I was hoping to see my cock without the aid of a mirror before Brooklyn was six feet under sea level. I had read on google that hanging yourself often resulted in the complete evacuation of one's bowels so I figured it was only polite not to submit some poor EMT to a noseful of three day old Micky-D's shit.
Either way I was tripping my balls off. I hadn't dosed since 1992 and my doors of perception had just been blown off their rusty hinges.
"Trippin...."
"Who said that?"
"The man in the mirror..."
"I was born at night but not last night."
"Stop talking to yourself Krafty."
"I would if you'd shut the fuck up old man."
"Cops are coming."
"Why? We're not getting evicted till next week and I'll hang myself first."
"Better go look in the mirror laughing boy..."
I sighed. It was inevitable. I was 59. That was fucking enough failure for me. And with Donald Trump having been CEO of USA Inc. since 2016 I did not relish the thought of a corporate debtor's prison. When I said billionaire or bust back in 2007 I wasn't fucking kidding. And in the last 19 years I had managed to lose fourteen million dollars of my own and my best friend's money. My backup plan's backup had always been Chapter 7 but thanks to The Donald that was no longer a possibility. And with the country two years into The Greater Recession getting that final round of financing had proven impossible. My patents would be expiring by the end of the decade and I was getting too old to re-enter the workforce.
So..., to the Bat-Mirror. I approached with my senior blues wide shut. Tentatively I cupped an eye and took a sneak peek between two fingers.
"Motherfucker!"
"I need you bro."
"Corky?"
"Come to Atlantic City. Tomorrow night. The New Trump Casino. The Green Room. Midnight. Bring fourteen thousand dollars. Casheesh."
"What the fuck?!?!?!"
"I need you bro."
I removed my hands and manned up. But it was too late. Corky was gone. Corky had been my best friend from nine to eighteen. And then the day we were supposed to graduate high school in 1985 he never showed up. Just disappeared into the ether. No note. No nothing. And Corky's Dad Donald was found modeling that year's Colombian necktie in the bedroom mirror. It was a clusterfuck of epic proportions. The culmination of a misspent youth that I surely would not have survived if Corky had not saved my ass that sunny day in 1976 when Scott Jackson hit me in the head with a rock in Prospect Park and was going to finish the job with an even bigger rock.
Corky was a big kid. He was 5'10" in the fifth grade and he dressed like a Hell's Angel. He was cutting school that day and sauntered right up to Scott who was sitting on my chest and holding a big rock over his head looking like he was going to end me.
"Whatchoo gonna do with that rock? Voodoo?"
"Beat it white boy before I kick yo' ass too."
Corky bent down and lifted the rock over his head with Scott still attached.
"You been reading Lord of the Flies homes?"
"Fuck you white boy! Put me down 'fore you catch a beat down."
Corky accomodated Scott. He hurled the rock back to terra firma with Scott still attached to it bouncing it off his head. It made a sickening crack that sounded like the Channel Eleven Yule Log.
"Sorry Piggy."
Then apparently dissatisfied with his work he tried tried again until Scott Jackson was one with the Prospect Park lawn. Me and my then best friend Aaron Farbman just watched in shock. When it was over Aaron farted and then vomited. Corky wiped some blood specks off his face with the back of his hand and offered me a cigarette. I figured it was a good time to become a Marlboro Man.
As fate would have it it turned out that Corky not only saved me from a stoning he was also a neighbor. His father Donald had taken the apartment Aaron used to live in just one floor below me. Aaron's mom had married up and they had moved into a brownstone while I lingered behind with my psychotic mother on welfare and food stamps. Such was life.
Corky's dad was the angriest deadhead I'd ever met but he let Corky do whatever he wanted and what Corky wanted was never ending reefer fueled mischief. After Corky moved in it wasn't long before I stopped getting my ass kicked every day by all the usual suspects. He sort of adopted me as his brother and considering his apartment had color television and a fridge full of food and mine only had my psychotic mother who was I to argue with fate?
By the time I was thirteen we were smoking an ounce a week, tripping on shrooms and acid and fucking high school chicks. Corky was tall enough for the NBA by the eighth grade although he had long since stopped showing up for school.
"Don't need a diploma where I'm going...," he'd always say.
I never pressed him on it. There was something severely off in his entire family but since my family was more twisted than a Jew For Jesus I just let it go.
Meanwhile back in the mirror my face was alternately aging from 59 to 80 and back to 17 and then back through my 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s leaving me with temporal whiplash.
"It's all relative and your relatives are psychotic," I heard my voice say.
Last week I had found my father fingerpainting his bedroom walls with his own shit.
"Who's that supposed to be? Nixon?"
"It's all bullshit Izzy."
Turns out my father had Alzheimer's and Renal failure and without insurance or any money it looked like he'd be dead sooner rather than later. My younger half-brother had committed suicide last year at the age of 43 and at the funeral I had seen my ex-stepmother BettyJo Lemongello for the first time in 25 years.
"It's all your fault Izzy."
"Nice to see you again, BettyJo."
"You don't like me very much. Do you?"
"That's not true. I just feel better when you're not around."
I cracked my neck and checked my bank account. I had a little over fourteen thousand dollars left and then I was destitute. I hadn't paid alimony to either of my ex-wives in six months and I figured I'd send them an email to pick up their back pay right before I offed myself. Sometimes you gotta stick it to the woman.
"Atlantic City huh? Saturday nite? Fuck it!"
I owed Corky. After all we were blood brothers. I'll never remember that night when we were thirteen. We were hanging out in the speakeasy in our apartment building's basement listening to Dogs by Pink Floyd. We cut our fingers mixing blood and then signed our names in crimson on a legal contract I had hastily drawn up before the acid kicked in stipulating that we were now blood brothers for life, come hell or high water, etc. etc. We had then hidden the document in the speakeasy's ceiling somewhere that I can no longer recollect.
The speakeasy was our secret clubhouse and for the longest time nobody else knew about it. At least not until we became sexually active at which point many a Brooklyn cushette had been blindfolded and sworn to secrecy never to divulge the whereabout or wheretofores of our anti-prohibition getaway.
You had to walk down a long dark chilly hall to get to it. We had discovered it one day when we were 14. We had been tripping and exploring the building's nether regions when Corky had said something rude about my crush Shawna McGee and I had pushed him into the wall.
And then Corky was gone. Vanished into thin air. It would have freaked me out even if I wasn't tripping. I screamed his name.
"Holy fuck dude!"
"Corky?!?!?"
"You gotta check this shit out!!!!"
"Where are you?!?!?!"
And then just like that Corky was back.
"It's a fucking hidden door!"
We had gone back to his apartment to get his father's flashlight. It was an old hidden room that bootleggers had used to stash The Real McCoy. We were like pigs in shit. We found old fedoras, a Victor Victrola, an old radio, a few revolvers and an old lamp that was shaped like a showgirl's gams.
And that was how we found our secret clubhouse. We had marked the opposite wall with glow in the dark paint in a Yin/Yang symbol and I had spent many a week living there when my psycho mom would throw me out and my dad and BettyJo wanted nothing to do with me. I had lost my virginity in there. We had decorated it like a hippie den and it was everything a secret speakeasy for teenagers in the early 80s should have been.
But the day Corky disappeared and Donald was found dead it disappeared. I tried to find it, really I did. I was sure I'd find Corky in there hiding out with his father's blood on his hands muttering some Oedipal shit but that speakeasy just vanished from this dimension. Suffice to say I left for college and never came back. I had always hoped Corky would surface somehow somewhere but he never did. Not even a postcard. Eventually I thought about him less and less but I never forgot him.
When Google became a thing I tried to find him but it was as if he had never existed. It was almost like I dreamed the whole thing. I say almost because while I may have been a failure in marriage and business I was not prone to delusions. Well maybe of grandeur but not the hallucinatory kind that get you committed. Maybe life would have been easier had I just gone bugfuck looney tunes but that just wasn't my style.
...
I had stopped tripping with the sunrise and had managed to get a solid seven hours sleep. I stumbled out of the bed too take a piss and that's when it hit me. For the first time in 16 years I could see my dick. Something was definitely up. Or somethings I should say.
"Did I hallucinate that shit?" I wondered aloud.
Later that night I put on a twenty year old pair of Levis that fit like it was 2006. I went to the ATM and withdrew $14,000.00. My bank account now contained the princely sum of thirty-three dollars and thirty-three cents. I grabbed a driverless Uber and headed to Atlantic City.
Atlantic City hadn't changed much since I'd been there last in 1991. Same old chain smoking blue haired mustachioed ladies betting their social security checks on the slots. Cept now they were vaping. It took a while but I finally found the Green Room at 11:59 pm.
I was thinking I probably imagined the whole fucking thing when two giant hamhocks grabbed my shoulders.
"Whatup Izzy?!?!!?!?!?!?"
I was lifted three feet in the air and I was face to face with all seven feet of Corky Clay.
"It was you you motherfucker."
Corky got me in a bear hug and I said, "Can't breathe."
I was eased down ever so gently to terra firma and Corky said, "Did you bring the money?"
"It's my last fourteen grand dude."
"Yeah, but you were gonna kill yourself anyway so what's the big diff?"
"How'd you know that?"
"Nevermind. We gotta hit the roulette wheel."
As I double-timed it to keep up with Corky's big strides I said, "What the fuck happened to you dude?"
"Whaddya mean?"
"I mean after graduation you disappeared and Donald was decapitated."
"Fuck that prick. He wasn't even my real dad."
"Is that why you always called him, 'Donald?'"
"No. I called him Donald cause he looked like a fucking duck."
"He did, didn't he?"
We got to the roulette wheel and Corky put out his giant hand.
"Dude. After this I am officially destitute. I won't even be able to afford to get home to off myself."
"I need you bro."
I hesitated.
"Have I ever fucked you over dude?"
I dug in my sports jacket and fished out my net worth and placed it in his hand. Corky turned it into chips and then bet it all on 33 black. The croupier closed the wheel for betting and we watched it spin. I felt big beads of sweat break out on my forehead. I realized I hadn't been laid in a decade and I had been planning to find a whore for my last night on Planet Earth. I sighed thinking the best laid plans...
"33 black wins!"
I felt my jaw come unhinged. I shook my head. People applauded. An hour later we were in the penthouse suite snorting lines of coke off asian hooker titties.
"I think I'm still tripping..."
Corky reached in his MC jacket and tossed a bag of shrooms on the glass coffee table.
"No, but you will be."
"Dude. I don't understand any of this."
"You're my brother. And you were there in my time of need. What's there to understand?"
"But how? And where the fuck did you disappear to? You know the speakeasy disappeared too..."
"Mmmm. Yes and no."
"Care to elaborate Captain Opaque?"
"I been living in the Great Depression for the past forty years."
"Yeah right."
"Fine. Don't believe me."
"Doing what?"
"Yeah, doing what?" one of the hookers asked.
"Pimping whores for Capone."
"We eating these shrooms big guy?"
"Do asian hookers love blow?"
The next afternoon they tried to lure us back to the tables but Corky said, "Your Dad is gonna die without a kidney transplant."
"You know about that too?"
"Come on. We gotta bring this casheesh to the hospital."
A few hours later we were in one of the last yellow cabs sporting an actual flesh and blood driver cruising down Ocean Parkway in Brooklyn.
"This is yours if you blow every red light to Coney Island Hospital," Corky said waving ten Benjis in front of the driver's face.
The driver snatched the carrot and put the pedal to the metal.
"You better buckle up bro," Corky said buckling his safety belt.
I followed suit and ten seconds later our driver hit an Uber car head on. The sound of crunching metal and shattered glass was punctuated with the decapitated head of BettyJo Lemongello landing in my lap.
"BettyJo?!?!?!"
Corky got on his smart phone and said, "Throw that shit out the window."
...
"The transplant was successful, Mr. Schreiber. Your father is going to pull through."
"Thank you Doctor."
I looked at Corky. He half-smiled.
"What?"
"We got a couple of stops left."
"Huh? Where?"
"Just follow me."
Two hours later with a hundred grand in uncut diamonds we were standing in front of our old apartment building on Union Street.
"Look familiar?"
"Dude. This is so fucked up."
"Whatever little man."
Corky took a flashlight out of his MC jacket and we went back into the building we ran wild in so many years ago. Corky rang every apartment bell until somebody buzzed us in. A few minutes later we were back in the nether regions of the basement.
"Push me Izzy."
"Why?"
"Cause its time we went back to the speakeasy."
I pushed. And then Corky was gone. Vanished into thin air. I screamed his name.
"Corky?!?!?"
"You gotta check this shit out!!!!"
"Where are you?!?!?!"
And then just like that Corky was back.
"It's a fucking hidden door!"
"Dude. You're young again."
Corky's big arm gave a yank and then we were back in the speakeasy. It was just the way we left it in 1985.
"Say, 'wake me up before you go-go.'"
"What?"
And then Corky's big fist punched me in the face and I remembered no more. Eventually I came to.
"Daddy. Wake up. You said we'd go to watch the ball drop at Times Square."
"Yes, honey. You promised the kids."
"Michelle! Is that you?"
"Who else would it be?"
"Daddy. Is it really a new millennium?"
"Yes honey," Michelle said soothing the little girl's hair that was the same color as mind. "Today is the last day of the 20th century."
I reached in my pocket and found a handful of uncut diamonds.
I hadn't seen Michelle since she caught me in bed senior year with her best friend Carmella and told me she'd never speak to me again. I had missed her ever since.
I looked around surveying the scene. I appeared to be in a swanky penthouse apartment. I found a mirror and took a reluctant peak from between two fingers. It appeared I was 33 again. Hmmm.
"I don't believe this shit, Michelle."
"Yeah, I know. How crazy is the end of the Twentieth Century?"
The doorbell rang. Michelle kissed me.
A voice I had last heard 27 years ahead said, "Who's ready to party like it's 1999?"
I turned my head to see a not so gentle giant dressed to the nines in tux and tails.
"Corky?!?!?!"
"You were maybe expecting BettyJo Lemongello?"
I grabbed Michelle by the hand and began pulling her towards a big bedroom I spied at the end of an even bigger marble hallway.
"Yo! Where you going bro? It's New Year's Eve."
"I just remembered. I haven't had my pipes cleaned since 2011."
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